Let me introduce myself first and the reasons why I started this online journal before I even pour out the toxicity out of me on these virtual pages.
For now, my real name will remain unrevealed but you can call me Hurt Angel for the mean time. I am a single male living in a suburb in Dagupan City, Pangasinan in the Philippines.
No matter how I struggle, I always felt that i have been cursed. Aside from having a not so perfect body, having so many circumstances that you never wished for can give you so much frustrations. Compared with others, I always have to always exert much effort on everything I do just to have a little taste of happiness while they just do it effortlessly and experience all the bliss and suffer less.
For now, my real name will remain unrevealed but you can call me Hurt Angel for the mean time. I am a single male living in a suburb in Dagupan City, Pangasinan in the Philippines.
No matter how I struggle, I always felt that i have been cursed. Aside from having a not so perfect body, having so many circumstances that you never wished for can give you so much frustrations. Compared with others, I always have to always exert much effort on everything I do just to have a little taste of happiness while they just do it effortlessly and experience all the bliss and suffer less.
MY LOUSY CONCEPTION
After taking contraceptive pills for about 15 years, my mother stopped for the thought that she'll never get pregnant again. But then, a pill's effect is only day-long and the next days that she never took it, she got pregnant of me. I was conceived when my mother was already 37 and the pills may probably had an effect on the quality of her genes and reproductive cells. Partnered with my father who has been a chain smoker that time, the sperm may have been weak.
I was carried by my mother carefully for nine months and then I finally came out of the jelly shell in a morning of November 5 in a time when disco music is starting to settle down and rock is starting to hit the airwaves. I was relatively small when I was born but they are happy that time that I had no congenital diseases. They thought I was going to be okay. I seem to be okay in their sight, but they were wrong.
MY BODY
My body is not a wonderland, it can be more of a torture room.
I grew up to be an intelligent kid but it was noticeable when I was in primary that my size was not the same as others of the same age. I never mind it but I ate like they did and live like others did but as I was starting to notice my body, I wondered why I'm not like the others.
Don't get me wrong but I am not a midget or something but for me midgets are luckier because people recognize them and they know they are midgets, know what I mean? I am now more than 25 and I am only 5'4" with thin limbs and a small frame. No matter how I eat and do the things that others do to have a great body, it seems to have no success on me. Adding to that is my stupid hair, my stupid teeth, my stupid back, my stupid chest, and my small pet. I don't know what went wrong but I am sure I did nothing wrong to deserve this. I never asked for these things but it looks like it was what I got from a 'pre-existence lottery.'
"I am sorry but that will be your body when you get to earth. Happy living on earth!"
IT GOT EVEN HARDER
We are not rich when I was born. And until now we are struggling. My father was a fisherman and he died at an early age with lung cancer. I thank him for being a father. But circumstances seem to make it even harder. He died with his boss cheating on him by not paying his social security contribution and we received nothing when he died. We are just living with a small store and with my average work.
I studied to make our life better and follow my dreams. But because of my body and some other circumstances, I failed to overcome the challenges because it was too difficult for me--not academically, but physically. Everything was ruined.
I can never depend on my three elder siblings. It was more of they are expecting more from me to depend on. They are depending on this freak. My elder sister had a bad luck when it comes to love life. She had been into relationships for years but it didn't work out. Now, she is living unmarried with three kids to a man who is not responsible enough and had poor values earning a little income and still has time to gamble. My second sister is a special person with a below average IQ just like Forrest Gump or the one portrayed in "The Other Sister" movie. Next is my brother who has a rare sickness where until now, our money is being drained by his continuous medication. Well, that's how life works for us.
WHAT GOD CAN DO
All I want is to make my family happy but still... I am having a hard time reaching it. I have asked God so many times but I just can't hear him answer and I have tried so hard so many times talking to Him one on one. I noticed that God can only intervene when it comes to "His plans". But maybe my griefs are not part of His plans so I remain ignored. Well, what can I do if that's God's decision? He is God and I am only His creation. As if I can complain.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME, LET'S TALK ABOUT MY BLOG
Since 4th grade, I used to write on my diary or journal. I have kept some journals until now. I have always thought of making blogs since the time that it existed online but I seem to have no time for I have no PC yet. I had it on friendster before and I failed to update it. Since 1998, I stated entitling my journals as "My So-called Life" as inspired by a defunct TV show. Now, I am finally putting it here.
MY BLOG'S DAMNED PURPOSE
I hope you will be interested with... my so-called life.
I was carried by my mother carefully for nine months and then I finally came out of the jelly shell in a morning of November 5 in a time when disco music is starting to settle down and rock is starting to hit the airwaves. I was relatively small when I was born but they are happy that time that I had no congenital diseases. They thought I was going to be okay. I seem to be okay in their sight, but they were wrong.
MY BODY
My body is not a wonderland, it can be more of a torture room.
I grew up to be an intelligent kid but it was noticeable when I was in primary that my size was not the same as others of the same age. I never mind it but I ate like they did and live like others did but as I was starting to notice my body, I wondered why I'm not like the others.
Don't get me wrong but I am not a midget or something but for me midgets are luckier because people recognize them and they know they are midgets, know what I mean? I am now more than 25 and I am only 5'4" with thin limbs and a small frame. No matter how I eat and do the things that others do to have a great body, it seems to have no success on me. Adding to that is my stupid hair, my stupid teeth, my stupid back, my stupid chest, and my small pet. I don't know what went wrong but I am sure I did nothing wrong to deserve this. I never asked for these things but it looks like it was what I got from a 'pre-existence lottery.'
"I am sorry but that will be your body when you get to earth. Happy living on earth!"
IT GOT EVEN HARDER
We are not rich when I was born. And until now we are struggling. My father was a fisherman and he died at an early age with lung cancer. I thank him for being a father. But circumstances seem to make it even harder. He died with his boss cheating on him by not paying his social security contribution and we received nothing when he died. We are just living with a small store and with my average work.
I studied to make our life better and follow my dreams. But because of my body and some other circumstances, I failed to overcome the challenges because it was too difficult for me--not academically, but physically. Everything was ruined.
I can never depend on my three elder siblings. It was more of they are expecting more from me to depend on. They are depending on this freak. My elder sister had a bad luck when it comes to love life. She had been into relationships for years but it didn't work out. Now, she is living unmarried with three kids to a man who is not responsible enough and had poor values earning a little income and still has time to gamble. My second sister is a special person with a below average IQ just like Forrest Gump or the one portrayed in "The Other Sister" movie. Next is my brother who has a rare sickness where until now, our money is being drained by his continuous medication. Well, that's how life works for us.
WHAT GOD CAN DO
All I want is to make my family happy but still... I am having a hard time reaching it. I have asked God so many times but I just can't hear him answer and I have tried so hard so many times talking to Him one on one. I noticed that God can only intervene when it comes to "His plans". But maybe my griefs are not part of His plans so I remain ignored. Well, what can I do if that's God's decision? He is God and I am only His creation. As if I can complain.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME, LET'S TALK ABOUT MY BLOG
Since 4th grade, I used to write on my diary or journal. I have kept some journals until now. I have always thought of making blogs since the time that it existed online but I seem to have no time for I have no PC yet. I had it on friendster before and I failed to update it. Since 1998, I stated entitling my journals as "My So-called Life" as inspired by a defunct TV show. Now, I am finally putting it here.
MY BLOG'S DAMNED PURPOSE
- Space for free-association of my angst and other emotions
- My so-called experiences
- Inspire other people
- Hope some people can relate
- Serves as an outlet of all what I am hiding inside
I hope you will be interested with... my so-called life.
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