I don't know but I'm still taking chances that someone would truly love me but now I failed again. I can't blame myself because I am sure I know how to love. I expected something from that person lately but then he's just another phony. I can't say that I am stupid this time because I have done my part but still I wonder why they don't see it and it is not enough for them to be in-love with me. Anyways, almost a month ago, I have already accepted to myself that no one would ever love me but still I'm taking chances that if I love them truly, they might feel it and learn to love me too, but then all of them belong to the A to F of my classifications (see my previous post).
I was amazed that he showed interest on me at first and he even asked me to go to my house and sleep here. He was nice to me and I was even nicer by making him feel comfy and welcome in our house. We had nice conversations, bonding, and we even have so many things in common and I just can't see what's missing. Again, I looked into my physical appearance and all the blame was put to that by me because that was the most probable reason. Physically, I am not someone to be proud of as I have said in my previous posts but I make sure that I can love like others do, or even more. It was another slap on the face.
After we had a long texting talk and me figuring out that he doesn't really love me but instead, he just needed me for something else. After saying that I can't do what he wants from me, then he haven't texted since this morning. I texted him this morning and I was too worried that something might have happened to him for he said he had nothing to eat last night. He never replied on my texts. So I just thought maybe he's out of text credits so this afternoon I called and that was the time my questions were answered. The phone rang many times and he dropped my call. That only means that he doesn't need me anymore and I have to stop. For me, that will also mean that it's another failure, I'm getting used to it, and I have to move on. My chest ached and I can't help but to shed a tear again. It's hard to take chances when you know that you have a very slim chance. And everytime you fail, it really hurts. But with the frequency, I just wish that it will make me so numb sooner or later.
This afternoon, I was so depressed but now fighting with the emotion. I have always learned lately that acceptance will always heal the pain. I laid a bit on the bed and cried and then talked directly to God about all of the circumstances that I have to go through. This time, again, I am not appealing to God about this small failure but for all the failures, struggles, and the circumstances that I have been going through. I'm making Him feel that I am really hurting and getting so tired and the weight is so aggravating but I make sure that He sees my efforts.
I took a bath and I can't help but to crouch and cry again for myself.
I wonder if the time that I will be happy will ever come.
I wonder if the time that me and my family will become free from too much struggle will come forth.
I wonder if the time that the table for me will turn and good fortune will be on my side.
I wonder if these things will ever come. I can't see it, it's still dark in this tunnel.
Next, I looked into the mirror and talk to "Tong". Tong was my innocent and pure self who gives me comfort, a pat on the back, encouragement, and all the positive things. Tong is my super-ego, my guidance. As I looked at him in the mirror, he wanted me to fight more. I cried in front of him but he showed strenght in his anger against failure and the way that I reacted to it. This is what he told me:
"There you go again. I can understand that you want to take chances. But now, focus on yourself more. Focus on the things that will improve yourself. Give more time for yourself. Be strict on what you want to accomplish. If they don't really want to love someone like you then you neither need them to be happy."
I smiled a bit...with a little bitterness. But I think what Tong told me has made sense.
I'm tired of people who looks like they want to love me but in the end the truth always hurts that they want something else rather than to love me and be proud of me. The one who can love me for me hasn't arrived and it is so vague that the person will ever arrive.
Whenever I truly felt love, I always make sure that I do my part to make the person feel it. But no one has ever made me feel that I am also important, that the person can be proud of me and at the same time loyal. Someone whom I will not feel any insecurity or doubt and make me feel that we can be happy just being together and be monogamous. Maybe that will never come. Maybe no one deserves me because no one just can't love me for me.
But I'm still taking chances. Maybe never stop till I grow numb.
I was amazed that he showed interest on me at first and he even asked me to go to my house and sleep here. He was nice to me and I was even nicer by making him feel comfy and welcome in our house. We had nice conversations, bonding, and we even have so many things in common and I just can't see what's missing. Again, I looked into my physical appearance and all the blame was put to that by me because that was the most probable reason. Physically, I am not someone to be proud of as I have said in my previous posts but I make sure that I can love like others do, or even more. It was another slap on the face.
After we had a long texting talk and me figuring out that he doesn't really love me but instead, he just needed me for something else. After saying that I can't do what he wants from me, then he haven't texted since this morning. I texted him this morning and I was too worried that something might have happened to him for he said he had nothing to eat last night. He never replied on my texts. So I just thought maybe he's out of text credits so this afternoon I called and that was the time my questions were answered. The phone rang many times and he dropped my call. That only means that he doesn't need me anymore and I have to stop. For me, that will also mean that it's another failure, I'm getting used to it, and I have to move on. My chest ached and I can't help but to shed a tear again. It's hard to take chances when you know that you have a very slim chance. And everytime you fail, it really hurts. But with the frequency, I just wish that it will make me so numb sooner or later.
This afternoon, I was so depressed but now fighting with the emotion. I have always learned lately that acceptance will always heal the pain. I laid a bit on the bed and cried and then talked directly to God about all of the circumstances that I have to go through. This time, again, I am not appealing to God about this small failure but for all the failures, struggles, and the circumstances that I have been going through. I'm making Him feel that I am really hurting and getting so tired and the weight is so aggravating but I make sure that He sees my efforts.
I took a bath and I can't help but to crouch and cry again for myself.
I wonder if the time that I will be happy will ever come.
I wonder if the time that me and my family will become free from too much struggle will come forth.
I wonder if the time that the table for me will turn and good fortune will be on my side.
I wonder if these things will ever come. I can't see it, it's still dark in this tunnel.
Next, I looked into the mirror and talk to "Tong". Tong was my innocent and pure self who gives me comfort, a pat on the back, encouragement, and all the positive things. Tong is my super-ego, my guidance. As I looked at him in the mirror, he wanted me to fight more. I cried in front of him but he showed strenght in his anger against failure and the way that I reacted to it. This is what he told me:
"There you go again. I can understand that you want to take chances. But now, focus on yourself more. Focus on the things that will improve yourself. Give more time for yourself. Be strict on what you want to accomplish. If they don't really want to love someone like you then you neither need them to be happy."
I smiled a bit...with a little bitterness. But I think what Tong told me has made sense.
I'm tired of people who looks like they want to love me but in the end the truth always hurts that they want something else rather than to love me and be proud of me. The one who can love me for me hasn't arrived and it is so vague that the person will ever arrive.
Whenever I truly felt love, I always make sure that I do my part to make the person feel it. But no one has ever made me feel that I am also important, that the person can be proud of me and at the same time loyal. Someone whom I will not feel any insecurity or doubt and make me feel that we can be happy just being together and be monogamous. Maybe that will never come. Maybe no one deserves me because no one just can't love me for me.
But I'm still taking chances. Maybe never stop till I grow numb.
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