A simple wish...

*
*
*

I WISH...


...I was 5'9" tall or at least 5'7"

...I got a nice body, great posture, perfect bones, and a pretty face

...i was talented and intelligent

...my family was rich and they had great jobs

...my siblings were professionals and had good standings in life

...no one among us had a permanent illness

...i could be one of the models in ramp, commercial, or print ads

...i could have circle of friends composed of beautiful people

...i could finish my studies

...i could have a good career which is the one that i love

...i could be one of the prominent personalities on TV

...i could have a nice wife and beautiful children who will love me forever

...my family could be happier and contented with a comfortable life

...i could travel

...there are only minimum frustrations

...there is lesser pain and problems that can be overcame

...i could give more to charities and to the needy

...i could give all my friends a real good time and hang-out

...i could give full satisfaction to my family

...i could be nicer when all these wishes come true

...that i wasn't crying right now.




The things that I should not be wishing because they are supposed to be given at birth... but they were not. How unfair this world can be that I was prevented to experience all of those that people are enjoying. It's totally unfair and the fact is totally bullshit.

it's unfair

i'm not like them normal people

i don't have a normal body like them

i had no assets
i have no resources to progress

it's so unfair

bat kasi ganito napaka-unfair

bullshit

I Love This Life Because...

When I was still in school, I used to be one of the students who writes well when it comes to formal and informal-themed essays whether it is creative writing or journal. But I was wondering what could be the hardest essay topic for me to write. And I found out today that this is the hardest topic to write an essay about:

"I love this life because..."

I'm thinking...thinking so hard. I am draining all my brain power. I just can't think of something to write about that essay topic. I can't even fill-in the blank. I can't think of words to write because it should be factual according to my own experience.

"I love this life because..."

Waahhh...hindi talaga ako makaisip ng idudugtong ko! It has to be what I feel. And it should be based on my own experiences and what I love about my own life. I love this life because...? Wala talaga akong mailagay. Pero ako lang ang makakasagot nito. Any help? Anyone who can give me an idea for the reason to love the life that I have? Maybe because it was given by God, I am thankful. But that's beside the point. The topic is not "I'm thankful with this life because...", but it says...

"I love this life because..."

I'm thankful that God gave me this life. I am honored and thankful that God loved me in the sense that He gave me the chance to live as a human being and I'm so much thankful about that. But the question lies in the time when you are already there in that life that He gave and what will make you love it. And that is the point of the question--"what makes you love this life that you have been thankful about?"

Thankful? Yes, definitely. But do you love the life that you have?

Maybe I can separate the word "life" into 2 concepts.

• Life (1) - the miraculous thing, or the gift to exist, or the magical breath that God gave humans. It can be comparable to a gift given to you in a birthday party.

• Life (2) - the circumstances that you are experiencing with the Life (1) that you have been given. I can refer it to "living the Life (1) that you have." It can be comparable to your experiences with the gift someone gave you in a birthday party.

I am so thankful and I love God for giving me Life (1) but I don't know if I can be thankful with the second concept of Life (2). Life (2) is the one that I am referring to with the essay that I can hardly answer--

"I love this life because..."



Ohh..it's really difficult for me to answer. Can someone help me and give me an idea?


-----

Maskara

Nyahahahahahahahahah....!!!!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!



Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!


NALOKO NA NAMAN AKO. ANG GAGO KO. ALAM KO NA NGANG WALANG MAGMAMAHAL SA AKIN NANIWALA NA NAMAN AKO. UMASA.



Nyahahahahahahahahah....!!!!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!



Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!


Nyahahahahahahahahah....!!!!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!



Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Super Heavy Bigat na Krus!

Lahat tayo have a cross to bear. Pero it is so unfair na hindi pare-pareho yung bigat. At ang masakit dun para sa akin ay isa ako sa may pinakamabigat na krus na pinapasan. This may sound "exaggerated" or O.A. pero believe it or not, to me it is the fact.


Sobrang bigat mga bro at sis. Hindi ko na ata kaya. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang impact noon pa. And no matter how much comfort I receive from reading materials, quotes, inspiring messages, etc... it is just as temporary as a cold compress. Maya-maya mararamdaman ko ulit yung bigat mula noon hanggang ngayon. Pagod na ako sa pagdadala and hindi man lang gumaan kahit marami na akong paraan na maisip para mapagaan ito. Walang nagbabago sa mass nito and nararamdaman ko pa na parang padagdag pa ang bigat.


"Cast your burdens upon me...those who are heavily laden and I will give you rest." Yan ang sabi ni Bossing pero saan na yung rest ngayon? Ilang beses na akong lumapit, nakiusap, nagsisi, pilit magbago pero wala pa ring result. Pero mahal ko pa rin Sya kasi Sya yung Pinakamakapangyarihan eh. Saka utang ko ang buhay ko at lahat sa Kanya. Yun nga lang, medyo deadma sya sa akin. I am still appealing baka mapansin Nya rin ako. Pagod na ako. Pagod na rin ang pamilya ko. Dinadala ko lahat yun.

• Family cross - Ang sakit ng kuya ko na about 20 years nang nagpapahirap sa amin financially. Mahal ko ang kuya ko at nagsa-suffer sya sa sakit nya na hindi magamot at walang kagalingan. Drained lagi ang income namin everyday for those years up to present dahil sa gamot nya at wala kaming magagawa dahil naghihirap sya. Every sakit ng tyan na nararanasan nya everyday ay sakit sa puso naman ang dulot sa amin ng nanay ko. Niloko na nga ang tatay ko ng amo nya sa SSS kaya nung namatay sya wala kaming natanggap. Tapos tindahan lang ang pinagkukunan namin ng pera plus itong maliit na sweldo ko. Bakit may ganitong ordeal sa amin?
  
• Physical cross - isa sa mga worse feelings na matatanggap mo everyday ay physical rejection. Pinanganak ako na iba sa mga normal na tao kasi sa age ko, maliit ang buto at framework ko at lahat na lang maliit at payat sa akin. Akala nila lagi bata ako. Nahihirapan ako manligaw sa babae. Nahihirapan ako sa physical activities, ni hindi ko nakaya maggym para man lang lumaki ang katawan ko. Hindi ako makapag-excel sa sports na gusto ko. Hindi ako makapaglaro ng gitara kasi maliliit ang fingers ko. Ni mga bakla nagdadalawang isip pa magkagusto sa akin. Mahirap mag-gain ng friends. Mahirap maghanap ng magandang trabaho kasi usually they judge you by the way you look. Hindi ako matanggap na supervisor or manager kasi mukha daw akong bata. Kahit todo ako sa performance sa exam at skills, hindi pa rin nila gusto. Kulang daw ako sa height at katawan. Lahat nang ito hindi ko in-assume... na-experience ko lahat. Apektado ng katawan ko lahat ng aspects ng buhay ko. Madami na akong ginawa para maimprove katawan ko at maging tulad din nila. Pero wala pa rin. Ganito na talaga. Wala na akong maisip na paraan. Kailangan ko na lang tanggapin. Para ko na ring tinanggap na hindi talaga ako normal. Pero kung yun nga ang totoo, wala akong magagawa. Kapag nakikita ko silang lahat, lahat ng tao, para akong sinasampal sa mukha. Sakit sakit. Super bigat ng krus na 'to.
• Career cross - hindi ako nakapaggraduate sa college dahil sa kakulangan sa pera at dahil sa katawan ko, hindi ako makapagROTC. Dahil sa katawan ko, hindi ako makahanap ng physical at managerial na trabaho. Ni hindi nga ako makapag-abroad for skilled work. Nagwork ako sa call center pero naisip ko na malapit nang bumagsak katawan ko. Di nga nakaya ng mga normal ang katawan eh. Nagtitiis ako ngayon sa maliit na sahod. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako kikita ng mas malaki. Gusto kong mag-aral ulit pero walang pera. Sana may makatulong na umikot ang takbo ng buhay ko at gumaan ang krus na ito.
• Relationships cross - Walang kayang magmahal sa akin ng totoo kahit marunong akong magpahalaga at magmahal. No need to explain further. Masakit eh.

Lahat ng krus na ito superbigat. Kahit minsan iniisip ko na hanggang mamatay ako bubuhatin ko pa rin ang mga ito, patuloy pa rin ako. Minsan nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa. Ilang beses na nga akong nawawalang ng zest sa buhay. Feeling ko isinumpa ako. Ayokong magmukhang kaawa-awa ng ganito. Gusto ko ring maging masaya at sana gumaan na ang lahat ng krus na ito ASAP.

+++

Mahal na Araw

...
...
...
...
Mahal na Araw ngayon...
...
...
...
...
Sana may magmahal din sa akin unconditionally...
...
...
...
...
Sana mag-improve na katawan ko...
...
...
...
...
Sana maging masaya na rin family ko at matapos ang problema sa pamumuhay...
...
...
...
...
Sana magbago ang kapalaran ko...
...
...
...
...
Sana naririnig ako ng pinakamakapangyarihan sa lahat.
+

Love Failure and My Friend Tong

I don't know but I'm still taking chances that someone would truly love me but now I failed again. I can't blame myself because I am sure I know how to love. I expected something from that person lately but then he's just another phony. I can't say that I am stupid this time because I have done my part but still I wonder why they don't see it and it is not enough for them to be in-love with me. Anyways, almost a month ago, I have already accepted to myself that no one would ever love me but still I'm taking chances that if I love them truly, they might feel it and learn to love me too, but then all of them belong to the A to F of my classifications (see my previous post).


I was amazed that he showed interest on me at first and he even asked me to go to my house and sleep here. He was nice to me and I was even nicer by making him feel comfy and welcome in our house. We had nice conversations, bonding, and we even have so many things in common and I just can't see what's missing. Again, I looked into my physical appearance and all the blame was put to that by me because that was the most probable reason. Physically, I am not someone to be proud of as I have said in my previous posts but I make sure that I can love like others do, or even more. It was another slap on the face.


After we had a long texting talk and me figuring out that he doesn't really love me but instead, he just needed me for something else. After saying that I can't do what he wants from me, then he haven't texted since this morning. I texted him this morning and I was too worried that something might have happened to him for he said he had nothing to eat last night. He never replied on my texts. So I just thought maybe he's out of text credits so this afternoon I called and that was the time my questions were answered. The phone rang many times and he dropped my call. That only means that he doesn't need me anymore and I have to stop. For me, that will also mean that it's another failure, I'm getting used to it, and I have to move on. My chest ached and I can't help but to shed a tear again. It's hard to take chances when you know that you have a very slim chance. And everytime you fail, it really hurts. But with the frequency, I just wish that it will make me so numb sooner or later.


This afternoon, I was so depressed but now fighting with the emotion. I have always learned lately that acceptance will always heal the pain. I laid a bit on the bed and cried and then talked directly to God about all of the circumstances that I have to go through. This time, again, I am not appealing to God about this small failure but for all the failures, struggles, and the circumstances that I have been going through. I'm making Him feel that I am really hurting and getting so tired and the weight is so aggravating but I make sure that He sees my efforts.


I took a bath and I can't help but to crouch and cry again for myself.
I wonder if the time that I will be happy will ever come.
I wonder if the time that me and my family will become free from too much struggle will come forth.
I wonder if the time that the table for me will turn and good fortune will be on my side.
I wonder if these things will ever come. I can't see it, it's still dark in this tunnel.


Next, I looked into the mirror and talk to "Tong". Tong was my innocent and pure self who gives me comfort, a pat on the back, encouragement, and all the positive things. Tong is my super-ego, my guidance. As I looked at him in the mirror, he wanted me to fight more. I cried in front of him but he showed strenght in his anger against failure and the way that I reacted to it. This is what he told me:
"There you go again. I can understand that you want to take chances. But now, focus on yourself more. Focus on the things that will improve yourself. Give more time for yourself. Be strict on what you want to accomplish. If they don't really want to love someone like you then you neither need them to be happy."
I smiled a bit...with a little bitterness. But I think what Tong told me has made sense.


I'm tired of people who looks like they want to love me but in the end the truth always hurts that they want something else rather than to love me and be proud of me. The one who can love me for me hasn't arrived and it is so vague that the person will ever arrive.


Whenever I truly felt love, I always make sure that I do my part to make the person feel it. But no one has ever made me feel that I am also important, that the person can be proud of me and at the same time loyal. Someone whom I will not feel any insecurity or doubt and make me feel that we can be happy just being together and be monogamous. Maybe that will never come. Maybe no one deserves me because no one just can't love me for me.


But I'm still taking chances. Maybe never stop till I grow numb.

True love? Maybe not made for me...

Maybe no one has the ability to love me. I once thought that personality and kindness are the most important when it comes to loving. But owing to the accounts of my experiences, I must be wrong. I can see that to them, physical attraction is more important. I don't know. I refuse to believe and I am forcing to convince myself that intangible things are more important, but for many times now, it didn't seem to work. The reality that no one will truly love me slaps me on the face all the time.

I have witnessed couples and families that are happy together and I saw that they look good together physically. Especially when they are both good-looking and they have a happy family. There are even same-sex relationships with couples that are both handsome or beautiful and they look good together physically having good and lasting relationship. It makes me think that true romantic love is only experienced by people that have a normal body or ideal physical body. Makes us envious sometimes, but for me, always. Every time I see them is like having multiple slaps on my face. If those were true slaps, my face would look like processed red meat.

I have proven all of those many times but still I didn't seem to learn. It is because losing hope can also be hard for the thought that the one for you may pass by. Though I know that it will not come, I am still stupidly taking chances. Just like what happened to me just now. Do you wanna hear the story? Ok, it goes like this... I (again) thought that the person is "the one"! Even though I've learned so much in the past and the person passed my screening, still it did not work. The fact that the person came with me made me think that it is not merely physical attraction. The person stayed in the house for two days and one night and we made out two times. But there's something about this person that made me doubt. Because of my trust, I continued. By the time that it's time to go, I found out that the person is with another person. Ouch!

The person texted and I was still nice as if I don't know what happened after we parted that night. The person promised to come back but then the person is now asking me to give a gift in the form of a cellphone. Hehe... that made me laugh with sarcasm while reading the text. of course, I replied that I won't be able to give that gift. First, we have no relationship and we have only known for a couple of days. And why would I give a cellphone as a gift? Hehe! I should have known. Just another one in my own classifications of people who became involved in my love life:

A - Just wanted a piece of me, just wanted sex
B - Just amused or loved my kindness
C - Just pitied me
D - Used me for vengeance to others
E - Just wanted material things
F - Needs a friend/someone to lean on/confidant/help
G - True love

Those are the classifications that I made for people who are going into relationship with me. I have already experienced relationship for A, B, C, D, F, and most recently E, which really pissed me off yesterday until now. Good thing the person is almost star-quality. Don't like the person anymore, anyway I have already got a taste of that bitch, hehe! But I wish, I will also experience letter G on the list. But I'm not waiting. If anyone can convince me that letter G will still come to me, I'll give a PRIZE.

True love? Di para sakin...

(English translation of this entry is on the next blog. Thank you.)

Wala sigurong may kayang mahalin ako. Akala ko kasi noon mas mahalaga ang ugali at kabaitan when it comes to loving. Pero sa mga recent experiences ko hindi rin pala. Nakikita ko na para sa kanila mas mahalaga ang physical attraction. Ewan ko. Ayokong maniwala at pinipilit kong kumbinsihin and sarili ko na mas mahalaga ang intangible things, pero it didn't work for me many times na. Yung realidad pa rin ang sumasampal sa mukha ko na walang magmamahal ng totoo sa akin.

Madami ako nawiwitness na family or couple na masaya nagsasama and nakikita ko na bagay talaga sila physically. Lalo na pag pareho silang maganda't gwapo tapos ang saya ng pamilya nila. Kahit nga minsan may mga same-sex relationship na parehong gwapo or parehong maganda... bagay na bagay sila saka maganda ang relationship nila at tumatagal talaga. Naiisip ko tuloy, ang nakakaranas lang ng tunay na romantic love ay yung mga taong normal or almost perfect, meaning, physically perfect. Kaiinggit din minsan, pero para sakin--palagi. Tuwing nakakakita ako ng ganun, parang ilang sampal din yun. Kung totoong sampal yun, kulay tocino na ang mukha ko sa dami.

Eto ilang beses ko nang napatunayan pero di pa rin ako natututo. Mahirap din kasi mawalan ng pag-asa kasi baka mapalagpas mo yung para sayo pala. Though I know na di na mangyayari yun, I am still stupidly taking chances. Tulad ng nangyari sakin ngayon lang. Gusto mo kwento ko? Sige ganito kasi... akala ko (na naman) "sya" na! Kahit ang dami ko nang natutunan in the past and salang-sala na talaga ito, di pa rin pala. Sumama kasi sya sa akin, it made me think na it's not about physical attraction lang. Di naman pangit ang mukha ko, maliit lang talaga ako for my age, parang bata. Pero when it comes to substance, mas lamang naman ako sa madami. Mabait sya and attracted ako sa kanya. Sya nagyaya sa house and stayed here for two days and one night. May nangyari sa amin twice sa house. But there's something sa tao na 'to na makes me doubt. Pero since may trust ako, sige lang. Tapos pag-uwi nya hinatid ko sya. Di nya alam binantayan ko sya, may iba ulit syang kasama. Ouch!

Nagtext sya and I was still nice. Kunwari di ko alam. And then sa text nya na babalik daw sya dito until I found out na gusto nya sana daw bigyan ko sya ng gift in the form of cell phone. Hehe...patawa sya ha. Syempre sabi ko hindi ko maibibigay yun. Kasi una di pa naman kami at saka days lang kami nagkakilala. Saka bat naman ako magbibigay ng ganung gift, hehe! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. Isa ka na naman sa kanila. Sa mga nasa classifications ko... eto yung mga classifications ko sa mga naging part ng love life ko:

A - Gusto lang akong matikman, sex lang habol
B - Natuwa/nabaitan lang sa akin
C - Naawa lang sa akin
D - Ginamit lang ako sa mga paghihiganti nya
E - Material things ang habol
F - Kailangan lang ng kaibigan/masasandalan/karamay/kausap/tulong
G - Totoong pagmamahal

Yan ang ginawa kong mga classifications ng mga nakikipagrelasyon. Ang naranasan ko na ay A, B, C, D, F, at recently yung E na ikinabadtrip ko kahapon, hanggang ngayon. Cellphone lang pala katapat nya, cheap. Buti na lang artistahin ng konti. Sana wag na syang magparamdam kasi ayaw ko na sa kanya. Natikman ko naman na...heheheh! Pero sana maranasan ko na rin someday yung G. Pero di na ako umaasa. Ang makakumbinsi sakin na darating pa yung letter G sa akin bibigyan ko ng PRIZE.

Starting up...

WHO THE HELL AM I?

Let me introduce myself first and the reasons why I started this online journal before I even pour out the toxicity out of me on these virtual pages.

For now, my real name will remain unrevealed but you can call me Hurt Angel for the mean time. I am a single male living in a suburb in Dagupan City, Pangasinan in the Philippines.

No matter how I struggle, I always felt that i have been cursed. Aside from having a not so perfect body, having so many circumstances that you never wished for can give you so much frustrations. Compared with others, I always have to always exert much effort on everything I do just to have a little taste of happiness while they just do it effortlessly and experience all the bliss and suffer less.

MY LOUSY CONCEPTION

After taking contraceptive pills for about 15 years, my mother stopped for the thought that she'll never get pregnant again. But then, a pill's effect is only day-long and the next days that she never took it, she got pregnant of me. I was conceived when my mother was already 37 and the pills may probably had an effect on the quality of her genes and reproductive cells. Partnered with my father who has been a chain smoker that time, the sperm may have been weak.

I was carried by my mother carefully for nine months and then I finally came out of the jelly shell in a morning of November 5 in a time when disco music is starting to settle down and rock is starting to hit the airwaves. I was relatively small when I was born but they are happy that time that I had no congenital diseases. They thought I was going to be okay. I seem to be okay in their sight, but they were wrong.

MY BODY

My body is not a wonderland, it can be more of a torture room.

I grew up to be an intelligent kid but it was noticeable when I was in primary that my size was not the same as others of the same age. I never mind it but I ate like they did and live like others did but as I was starting to notice my body, I wondered why I'm not like the others.

Don't get me wrong but I am not a midget or something but for me midgets are luckier because people recognize them and they know they are midgets, know what I mean? I am now more than 25 and I am only 5'4" with thin limbs and a small frame. No matter how I eat and do the things that others do to have a great body, it seems to have no success on me. Adding to that is my stupid hair, my stupid teeth, my stupid back, my stupid chest, and my small pet. I don't know what went wrong but I am sure I did nothing wrong to deserve this. I never asked for these things but it looks like it was what I got from a 'pre-existence lottery.'

"I am sorry but that will be your body when you get to earth. Happy living on earth!"

IT GOT EVEN HARDER

We are not rich when I was born. And until now we are struggling. My father was a fisherman and he died at an early age with lung cancer. I thank him for being a father. But circumstances seem to make it even harder. He died with his boss cheating on him by not paying his social security contribution and we received nothing when he died. We are just living with a small store and with my average work.

I studied to make our life better and follow my dreams. But because of my body and some other circumstances, I failed to overcome the challenges because it was too difficult for me--not academically, but physically. Everything was ruined.

I can never depend on my three elder siblings. It was more of they are expecting more from me to depend on. They are depending on this freak. My elder sister had a bad luck when it comes to love life. She had been into relationships for years but it didn't work out. Now, she is living unmarried with three kids to a man who is not responsible enough and had poor values earning a little income and still has time to gamble. My second sister is a special person with a below average IQ just like Forrest Gump or the one portrayed in "The Other Sister" movie. Next is my brother who has a rare sickness where until now, our money is being drained by his continuous medication. Well, that's how life works for us.

WHAT GOD CAN DO

All I want is to make my family happy but still... I am having a hard time reaching it. I have asked God so many times but I just can't hear him answer and I have tried so hard so many times talking to Him one on one. I noticed that God can only intervene when it comes to "His plans". But maybe my griefs are not part of His plans so I remain ignored. Well, what can I do if that's God's decision? He is God and I am only His creation. As if I can complain.

ENOUGH ABOUT ME, LET'S TALK ABOUT MY BLOG

Since 4th grade, I used to write on my diary or journal. I have kept some journals until now. I have always thought of making blogs since the time that it existed online but I seem to have no time for I have no PC yet. I had it on friendster before and I failed to update it. Since 1998, I stated entitling my journals as "My So-called Life" as inspired by a defunct TV show. Now, I am finally putting it here.

MY BLOG'S DAMNED PURPOSE

• Space for free-association of my angst and other emotions
• My so-called experiences
  
• Inspire other people
• Hope some people can relate
• Serves as an outlet of all what I am hiding inside

I hope you will be interested with... my so-called life.