2010 and I'm Still God's piece of Junk

New year 2010...

I'm giving up because the world has given up on me

I want to go to a happy place where everyone is equal
where everyone is happy

I am so so so tired

Despite all my efforts I still am a freak

When others are blessed with a nice body, healthy mind, financial security, and good family

I no longer have nowhere to run

Even Church people can't give me the comfort that I need
because I know they can't help me
I think no one can
Coz I've tried a million times

I got no place to go

Nobody will ever love me
I can't even love myself because no one can love me
they make me feel like that

I've tried everything to have a normal body like them
But there seems no result at all
While they effortlessly have all that it takes to be normal
And live happily with minimum griefs

Everything I have is problem
I don't have a normal body
I have a family full of faults
We are financially unstable
My brother is sick with incurable disease
And every load I have to carry
When I can no longer carry my own problems

I have already counted my blessings
And it seems that they're easier to count
Because there seem to be little of them
But I'm still thankful
But compared with others, I can't help but to be jealous
Because I have so much curses overshadowing the lesser blessings I have
When others have more blessings that they can't even count
When some don't even thank God

I have talked to God many times
and several times with broken heart
I have talked sincerely to Him many times
But there seem to be a protocol

God can't intervene with someone as little as me
I have looked in the sky once
And try to compare myself with the universe
I'm like dust
Each person is like a small piece
It's just that God will intervene only with people who are key players of His plan
And I think I am too immaterial to be noticed
I can understand that
He is God, I respect Him and His Greatness
I am just a mere creation
And who am I to hate Him?
I love God
But I just can't help to be true

Is it wrong to tell Him what I feel?
Is it wrong to tell Him that I am suffering?
Is it wrong to get some of His attention...
even if I know that it could not be possible?

Over the years
I have tried to find comfort anywhere
It even came to the point that I have to change myself many times
I have exerted much effort
But nothing seemed to work
that makes me think I was meant to suffer
I no longer know where to run for comfort

I am giving up
The world has already given up on me
I'm losing hope
I'm losing faith
The faith and hope that remains on me
Is the next life
I believe it is so much better

I feel like I'm God's piece of junk
I'm looking forward to be recycled
To be one of the junks that was barely noticed
And at least become one of the renewed
And also become useful on the other side.